I have suffered with anxiety for many years. It’s something that cripples me and seriously affects my day to day life. I hid my mental health problems for many years, I refused to acknowledge there was a problem, I did everything I could to hide it. Everything always comes to the surface though, you can’t bottle things up forever.
So now I’m speaking up. I started this blog in the hopes to educate people on the different aspects of my life. If I can educate one person on anxiety or PTSD or FND. If I can teach a friend or a mother or a teacher or even a doctor on how mental and physical illness affect someone on a day to day basic. If I can help someone to understand what maybe one of their loved ones is experiencing then this blog will have served it’s purpose.
Anxiety can affect anyone and at any age and you don’t have to have had anything traumatic happen to you.
It can strike even the most confident person. It can stop you from working, socialising and going to school.
It’s a lot more than ‘just being shy’. Everyone’s experiences with anxiety are different. Not everyone with anxiety suffer with panic attacks. It isn’t always seen. I can only speak about my experience with anxiety. My anxiety will be completely different to the next person.
My anxiety stems from my past. I am open that I have PTSD, I am however not open about why I have PTSD. Most things I get anxious about have already happened. I panic that history will repeat itself and I get stuck in the same cycle day after day. I am a worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about money, my family and friends, my pets. I worry that people or my pets are going to die or get seriously unwell. I am always worrying about something.
Anxiety makes me feel like I’m walking around the streets with no clothes on. It makes me feel exposed and like everyone is staring at me and plotting to hurt me. It feels like a million thoughts are clouding my vision and my rational mind is buried by all this panic. Public transport panics me, crowded shops and streets, ordering my food at a restaurant, paying for my things at the supermarket. I could go on but we’d be here forever.
They’ll be days when I’ll shut the world out and I won’t want to talk to anyone because I’m terrified of this parasite that’s causing me to panic. That’s what anxiety feels like. It feels like a parasite has attached itself to your thoughts and it’s attacking you, hour after hour, day after day. No matter how hard you try, you can’t get rid of this parasite. It’s decided that your thoughts are it’s new home.
I have good days and bad days. But lately it’s mostly bad days. The memories of my past threaten to suffocate me and the anxiety of it all sometimes gets too much. It’s impossible to know what to do and feeling so trapped and suffocated hurts so much, sometimes I don’t want to be alive. It’s exhausting.
My experience will be different to the next persons. Everyone’s anxiety affects them in different ways. Some people can’t out alone, some people can’t use public transport. Anxiety is a little demon that sits on your shoulder and whispers things in your ear. You try so hard to ignore it but it’s hard to think rationally when your mind is filled with panic.
It’s terrifying and isolating. I get so angry when someone doesn’t understand or disregards it as being ‘lazy’ or ‘anti social’ or even stupid. It’s not any of those things. I think some people think like this because they haven’t been educated about anxiety, they maybe don’t know what it is or understand that it’s an illness that needs to be treated just like a broken leg would. So many people across the world suffer from this horrible illness.
You can’t always see that someone is anxious. Sometimes you might not even know unless they tell you.
Anxiety ruins lives and isolates so many people. It’s a real illness and it can be very hard for people to live their lives in the way they want to.
Anxiety isn’t something you can just switch off whenever you feel like it. It’s always there, it’s always controlling you. Anxiety is real.